peace and quiet

it is getting to where a man can't drop a deuce in this country without half the chazz palmenteri taking pictures to publish on the cover of the tabloids.
this morning i was sitting in my catbox takin' a dump when who should walk in? the fatman and his dogs. the fatman walks his dogs every morning. he unleashed them and then waltzed into the kitchen.
the dogs stare at me.
me: fatman?
i peer over the top of the morning paper.

fatman: yes, oscar?

me: you forget somethin', fatman?

i wave a paw at his dogs.

me: i can't be takin' no dump with them 2 idjits starin at me, fatman. I ain't runnin' no peep show!

he sighs and drags the dogs into the kitchen.

like i said: it is getting to where a man can't drop a deuce in this country without half the chazz palmenteri taking pictures to publish on the cover of the tabloids.

fatman: do you mean the paparrazi?

i stare at him blankly.

fatman: you said chazz palmenteri. i think you mean the paparrazi.

me: i bid you bidet! fatman!

i continue to stare at him blankly until he wanders off.
tomorrow i shall drop a deuce in his coffee!

o -out

me and the fatman break ice

this is the story of how me and the fatman broke the ice.

I lies on the unmade bed, belly exposed, 8 nipples pointing from under my belly.
Enter the fatman, tired from a long day at the office.
Me: Where you been at?
Fatman: The office.
Me: Fatman: I needs you to rub my belly.

I proceed to rolls completely on my back and stretch.

Fatman (disgusted) : I don’t think so…
Me: I'll pay you...
Fatman: What?
Me: Yeah...I'll give you 34 cents.
Fatman: You'll do what?
Me:

Yeah, 34 cents… I got

(reaches into my pocket hidden by furry blubber)

a dime…a nickel…

(drops a dime, then a nickel on the mattress)

a crack pipe, a rolex, a timex, a kotex…

(pulls a corn bob pipe, 2 wrists watches, and a maxi pad

out of my pocket)

and 3 pennies.

I toss 3 pennies at the Fatman.

Fatman: This is isn't 34 cents.
Me: Shit, I’m just a cat. I can’t count.

The Fatman inspects the wrist watch.

Fatman: is this a fake?

I pull the sleeve on my right arm up to my elbow to reveal several gold wrist watches.

Then leave it to the Fatman to read aloud the print on the wrist watch.

Fatman: R-O-L-E-C-K-S?

At this point I warily slides my sleeve down and hide the several gold wrist watches. I cocks an eye brow.

Me: Are you wearin' a wire, Fatman?

The Lady walks in.

The Lady: What the hell is going on here?

Me: Shoot, Ms. The Lady I was just Unloading merchandise.

Fatman: He wanted me to rub his belly.

The Lady: Both of you get the hell out of my bedroom! Now!

and that's how me and the fatman broke the ice. Natch.

O -out

Hey!

Hey! it's me...oscar t cat. today is day 3,285 of my captivity. that means it has been 9 years since The Lady found me in an ant pile, cleaned me up, took me to her apartment, and attempted to "civilize" me. Big mistake; Don't nobody try and civilize what can't be civilized. I ain't tom sawyer and she ain't becky thatcher.
2 years ago she shacked up with my sworn enemy: The Fatman. I s'pose he has a real name but damned if i have time to learn it. I gots a busy schedule.
The Fatman brought along 2 Beasts (a.k.a Mutts. Canines. Whatever you call them. To me they are 1/2 wits) but more on them later... oh the indignity of watching Them dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal!
O - out.