larry storch

i bolt out of the bedroom and runs for the kitchen. my eyes are wide and my heart is pounding.

the fatman (wearing his tighty whities) hurries out of the bedroom and attempts to comfort me.

fatman: oscar, i know you might be frightened by what you saw in the bedroom...

he uses his tone that he normally reserves for the dogs. i ain't cool.

fatman: ...but what you saw me doing to her is completely natural.

he has the audacity to pat me on the head.

fatman: oscar? you do know where babies come from, don't you?

me: yeah. the larry storch brings 'em.

for a brief moment the fatman is befuddled.

fatman: the who does what?

me: yeah! every hanukkah the larry storch flies from the north pole -

fatman: oh boy.

me: and flies down the chimney and leaves a gonad wrapped in swaddling clothes under the mistletoe. and that's where babies come from!

fatman: uh...that's right, oscar.

he stands up and yawns.

me: what does that have to do with what you were doing to the lady?

fatman: nothing. nothing at all. i'm going to sleep now, tubby.

me: what were you doing on top and behind the lady, you fat bastard?

fatman: i was giving her the Heimlich maneuver.

me: why come?

fatman: to save her life.

me: would you ever give me the Heimlich maneuver?

fatman: not the way i gave it to her.

me: say what?

he pats me on the head again, fills my pipe with nip, and returns to the bedroom.

i light my pipe and inhale the nip and ALAKAZAM! I'm out like a light!
out of the blue and into the black!

O - out