i shuffle into the bedroom wearing my bathrobe, pink fuzzy slippers, and my hairnet. i bang my empty tin coffee cup against the door until the fatman wakes.
fatman: go back to sleep, oscar. it's 6 in the morning.
me: i wants nuts in my coffee.
fatman: you lazy obese bastard. go back to sleep.
at this point the fatman has forced me to annunciate each word.
me: i said i... want. nuts... in. my coffee.
the lady: he says he wants hazelnut coffee.
i light up a cigarette and blow smoke at the fatman.
fatman: the hell?
the lady: oscar, we told you not to smoke in the house.
me: et tu, ms the lady?
she hides under the covers.
the lady: oh for the love of Jesus! just get out of bed and pour him his goddamn coffee!
me and the fatman shuffle into the kitchen and he proceeds to brew my coffee.
i use the tip of my smoldering cigarette to light up yet another.
me: you cause me lots of frustion, fatman.
fatman: frustion?
me: that's what i said, ain't it?!
fatman: that's not even a word.
me: no?
fatman: no.
me: you can look it up in arnold drummond's thesaurus ifffin' you don't believe me, fatman.
fatman ponders the science i have unleashed. he pours my cup of coffee.
fatman: i think you mean webster's dictionary.
me: fatman, you lose IQ points every time you take dump.
i pull a silver flask from out of my bathrobe, pop the top, and pour an ounce of whiskey into the cup of coffee. i shuffle away.
O - out
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