Me: Why come?
Fatman: Salmonella poisoning.
Me: Eh?
Fatman: She ate -
I interrupt his jibber jabber.
Me: Prob'ly gots it offa toilet seat...
Fatman: Regardless, you tubby son of a bitch, you'll be staying with my grandmother for a week.
Me: Fatman why that is? I am self sufficient. I can take care of my self.
Fatman: Remeber what happened the last time me and the wife trusted you here by yourself?
FLASH BACK -
The Fatman and Ms. The Lady arrive early from vacation.
They walk in on a perfectly good bar fight. I, dressed in trucker's mesh cap and workboots, swing a chair at 2 burly Hell's Angels. Bottles and chairs fly as I throw punches at bikers and Klansmen. One of the Klansmen attempts to stab me but it tackled by an orangutang.
END OF FLASHBACK
Me: Why come i be wearin' over alls and an Irish Herringbone Cap? I look like fuckin' mickey fuckin' rooney!Fatman: 'cause i told grandma dot she was baby sitting an orphaned waif. Grab your duffle bag and get in the car.
We drive to Grandma Dot's house.
He opens the door to her house and a fluffy white haired 80+ year old wrinkled woman hugs and kisses him.
Grandma Dot: It is so good to see you!
She peers down at me.
Grandma Dot: And this must Be Oscar!
She picks me up and hugs me.
Grandma Dot: You arrived just in time for dinner!
MOVE OVER MS. THE LADY! Grandma Dot has a 4 course dinner prepped me for me and The Fatman! Grandma Dot shuffles off to her kitchen. Seconds later a low grunt catches my attention.
Urghhh! pause. the sound of a large man making the vomit.
My napster TM ears pick up at the sound emmitting from the backroom.
Me: The hell was that?
Fatman: Oh. I forget to metion Uncle John. He just got out of the joint. He stays with Grandma Dot until his P.O. can land him a job.
We drive to Grandma Dot's house.
He opens the door to her house and a fluffy white haired 80+ year old wrinkled woman hugs and kisses him.
Grandma Dot: It is so good to see you!
She peers down at me.
Grandma Dot: And this must Be Oscar!
She picks me up and hugs me.
Grandma Dot: You arrived just in time for dinner!
MOVE OVER MS. THE LADY! Grandma Dot has a 4 course dinner prepped me for me and The Fatman! Grandma Dot shuffles off to her kitchen. Seconds later a low grunt catches my attention.
Urghhh! pause. the sound of a large man making the vomit.
My napster TM ears pick up at the sound emmitting from the backroom.
Me: The hell was that?
Fatman: Oh. I forget to metion Uncle John. He just got out of the joint. He stays with Grandma Dot until his P.O. can land him a job.
He's 55 years old and father to half a dozen illegitimate children
Me: Sounds like Sasquateches back there!
Fatman: He did a nickel for drug possession.
Me: Blow caine?
Fatman: Enough Blow caine in the last 2 decades to kill a herd of elephants.
10 minutes later...
Me, Fatman and Grandma Dot sit at the dinner table. I slather helplessly at the sigh of mashed potatoes, chicken dumplings, and black eyed peas.
Uncle John (He's a bloated bearded version of the fatman) shambles into the dining room at we bow our heads before saying grace.
The circus must be in town...
Me: Sounds like Sasquateches back there!
Fatman: He did a nickel for drug possession.
Me: Blow caine?
Fatman: Enough Blow caine in the last 2 decades to kill a herd of elephants.
10 minutes later...
Me, Fatman and Grandma Dot sit at the dinner table. I slather helplessly at the sigh of mashed potatoes, chicken dumplings, and black eyed peas.
Uncle John (He's a bloated bearded version of the fatman) shambles into the dining room at we bow our heads before saying grace.
The circus must be in town...
Me: Fatman, are you sure he didn't get released from the zoo?
Uncle John: Well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
He points finger at me. I point a finger back at him.
Me: Well, well, look what the DEA fingrprinted.
Fatman spits water from his mouth.
Fatman: You know each other?!
Uncle John: We served time together 10 years ago.
Me: Yeah, yeah, sure, you betcha. He was in cell block D. D is for Dummy. Ain't that right, Quasimodo?
Uncle John: Yeah, cell block D. Good times, good times. Y'know, i'll bet the feds are still wondering how you escaped. Heck, i'll bet they still have a bounty on your fuzzy lil' head.
Me: Don't drop no dime on me, butt breaf.
He steps away from the table and shambles towards Grandma Dot's rotary phone.
I pull the rape whistle from under my over alls and exhale with all my strungth.
orangutang rips from out of my duffle bag and pounces on Uncle John. orangutang beats him bloody.
Later, while sipping hot tea on the patio, i felt bad for allowing orangutang to sodomize Uncle John. not bad enough to keep orangutang from shoving the rotary phone up Uncle John's doo doo hole.
O -out.
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